Finding Wayside - A Writing Experiment

Thanks! A beautiful image brimming with invigorati...

2011-06-05T20:06:09.714-07:00

Thanks! A beautiful image brimming with invigorating melancholy. Nepenthe!

I love you with the darkness of a thousand flocks ...

2011-06-05T19:46:31.452-07:00

I love you with the darkness of a thousand flocks of a thousand ravens blocking any scrap of sunlight. You are AMAZING!

We've had our meeting about these pieces. Rema...

2011-05-30T14:00:22.477-07:00

We've had our meeting about these pieces. Remarkably, someone managed to guess the scene correctly. It's a rewrite of the famous farewell scene from Casablanca. Same dialogue beats and theme, different characters and setting. Everyone's pieces were great, some were more literal than others, but they all successfully fulfilled the requirements of the exercise. Particularly awesome -- the reworking of The Devil Went Down To Georgia in Biblical prose set in France between Satan and Joan of Arc. Epic.

hey, love songs aren't all morose...

2011-05-16T13:34:34.178-07:00

hey, love songs aren't all morose...

Darkly ironic. Why such a morose take on a cheerfu...

2011-05-16T12:50:51.048-07:00

Darkly ironic. Why such a morose take on a cheerful topic?

Thanks Dustin. Sestinas are so much fun. You shoul...

2011-05-14T14:06:00.639-07:00

Thanks Dustin. Sestinas are so much fun. You should try one. They really lend a poem a neat flow.

Wow - simply beautiful. I love the melodic flow an...

2011-05-14T14:03:44.185-07:00

Wow - simply beautiful. I love the melodic flow and pace of this Ryan. I'm very impressed.

Ryan this is Pat Weyer your Dad's friend-I gav...

2009-11-14T13:35:38.614-08:00

Ryan this is Pat Weyer your Dad's friend-I gave you Odie when you were a small child. I have lost contact with your Dad have him contact me via facebook or my email address Thanks I am so proud of you your animations are awesome!

Hey Ryan, That incident really sucks! At least...

2009-09-09T15:21:10.504-07:00

Hey Ryan,

That incident really sucks!

At least you got some inspiration for a short story. Will be looking forward to read that.

Z

I have read through Chapter 5 --- excellent so far...

2009-06-18T20:51:16.205-07:00

I have read through Chapter 5 --- excellent so far. Campbell would be proud! Do I detect a hero's adventure afoot? Looking forward to reading more. Happy writing.

Thank you for the invite, Emily. I've been loo...

2009-06-11T07:31:03.060-07:00

Thank you for the invite, Emily. I've been looking for an online writing community to join, so I'm going to give it a shot.

Yes, I did draw my avatar. By day I'm a mild-mannered animator. (Well...sometimes mild.)

Hi Ryan, How are you? i'm sorry to bother yo...

2009-06-10T01:56:22.663-07:00

Hi Ryan,

How are you?

i'm sorry to bother you, but I've recently started up a community forum for writers called the The Writer's Chronicle(mainly for those who blog) where we can meet and discuss all that is writing with other 'online' writers. Also with the recent addition of some published author members we have decided to set up a section to support published writers and help them promote themselves and their books - as we all know how hard it is to get published and how its even harder to get a large readership!

I know this email is out of the blue, but i was hoping that you might drop in and take a look around and perhaps join if your interested?

I'd greatly appreciate it,

thanks

Emily Cross

Writer's Chronicle Link: http://thewriterschronicle.forumotion.net/forum.htm

P.S. Love your avatar, did you draw that?

Your description of the finders when you first mee...

2009-06-03T07:34:28.956-07:00

Your description of the finders when you first meet them at camp was fantastic. Very visual.

All in all, not much to say other than keep going. This is your best writing so far and I am compelled to find out more about Wayside and why it makes people lose their stories.

I thought that the transition to Babel was ok, but not dramatic enough. I think you could slow it down a bit and make it more of a transitions have him miss a few words here and there for a while or something.

Crichton this wonderfully in Eaters of the Dead. It was so seamless that I felt like I was learning the language.

All in all, good plot movement and introduction of new, exciting characters. bravo.

Interesting that you pointed out that Osborne's di...

2009-06-02T11:03:43.084-07:00

Interesting that you pointed out that Osborne's dialog doesn't sound English. You're right, and I'm facing an interesting struggle when dealing with my "Babel" language, which you will learn more about in the next chapter. Since it's a universal language, technically everyone would speak the same, but that's damned boring, so I think I'm going to bend reality and still give everyone their own unique feel.

Great observation on the double adjectives. It's especially bad in that one paragraph you pointed out. When I get the hacksaw out I'll be sure to address this.

Thanks for the comments!

part 2. i keep hitting the word limit - guess i am...

2009-06-01T21:51:49.884-07:00

part 2. i keep hitting the word limit - guess i am too wordy.

A bit of personal opinion here but I am sharing it none-the-less.
There, in the middle of the vast gray nothing was a shining pool of water.
We know it is vast because it is nothing. We also know that it is a shining pool. Shining pool is almost a cliché – find a more descriptive adjective or remove it.
You also tend to double up on your adjectives.
It was surrounded by soft green grass and tall brown cattails which swayed in an unfelt breeze. There was a woman there. She was dressed in a light white gown and she had long, wet hair that she combed gently with a shimmering pearl comb. She looked as if she had just come out of the water.
This many instances in this paragraph does point out a trend. Be careful with these. My personal favorite adjective in this paragraph is “unfelt”. What a unique way to describe a breeze. You can really strengthen this paragraph by giving all the other adjectives a similar treatment (on your later rewrite that is ).
“You’re not cold? You’re soaked.” – this seems a bit awkward.
I like how you change the dialect for Lyudmila. Losing the contractions is a subtle but effective choise. Good job.
Lyudmila raged in the middle of the pool, her face a rictus of anger and frustration – nice.
“The hell are you smiling for? You could have killed me! – you’ve done this a couple of times where you leave off the beginnings or ends of dialog. Is your intention here? Are you doing that for? The reason I put it that way is because that is exactly what I had to do – I had to reread that sentence to figure it out. I am a fast reader so I hate being tripped. Just something to think about.
Lieutenant Colonel Charles Osborne is a great name. His dialog doesn’t seem very English yet though. I am sure you will work on that.

Ok – back to writing – I promise to read C4 tomorrow. All in all – great stuff. I would love to talk to you about it tomorrow.

dust

Ok – your writing in general is improving. If you...

2009-06-01T21:51:19.593-07:00

Ok – your writing in general is improving. If you don’t believe me go back and re-read your first chapter. Remember when I said I wouldn’t critique structure and writing style for a few chapters- this is a big reason why. Beware, however, it is coming .
Why the italics? Just curious. It isn’t necessary IMHO.
Grim woke once again and was once again resting with his back on the tree.
You said once again – once again. We know that it is once again – you can make this sentence more efficient and clear by saying something like “Grim woke with his back on the tree.”
Ok – strange thing here. What does it smell like? he turns and sees the nothingness and you go into all kinds of visual detail, enough that I want to know more. Do the smells, sound and touch (wind, temperature etc..) stay the same or do they change too. Adding these details in can really help make fantasy seem real – verisimilitude and all that jazz.
Kill your ‘ing’s with reckless abandon. It is good to get in this habit because it adds action to your writing. You are generally very good at this but they do pop up in simple sentences from time to time. “It was also getting cold” would be more effective if you explained how cold Grim was. “The cold chewed through Grim’s thin summer clothing.” Or whatever…
another instance. making his head ring like a church bell. Lose the making and this does the same thing but it makes it more direct.

woot! Feels good don't it. Congrats.

2009-06-01T21:21:17.915-07:00

woot! Feels good don't it.
Congrats.

Once again I am staggered by your detailed comment...

2009-05-28T13:32:45.630-07:00

Once again I am staggered by your detailed commentary, Dustin. Thank you so much. Pointing out my breaking of the 3rd person is going to help me a lot. I should watch that. It's definitely jarring. I noticed the disconnect when I read the chapter out loud, but of course I ignored it because I thought I was being clever. Thanks for catching me.

And the dusk thing is coming out tonight, regardless of your suggestion not to rewrite it. I almost laughed at how obvious that was when you pointed it out.

This is my favorite section. The sun went ...

2009-05-28T11:32:45.191-07:00

This is my favorite section.
The sun went down. Dusk settled into the forest and it was suddenly much darker. Grim began to hear the familiar chorus of insects that beckoned evening in the country; they tuned their instruments all around him. To keep his mind busy, he tried to remember all of the animals that were native to this part of the state, tried to remember what they sounded like, what they looked like.
“Possoms...Armadillos...” He trudged on, but he was suddenly unsure whether he was headed east or not. What did they say about moss on the trees? Grim couldn’t spot any moss anyway.
“Marsh Rabbits...Gray Squirrels...” Branches snapped beneath him, and he tripped around in the dark, now that he could no longer make out the roots of the trees that reached out from the leaf-covered soil. “Red Fox...Weasels...”
Grim stopped. This wasn’t productive anymore. The mosquitoes were eating him alive and he had no concept of which way to proceed. He sat at the base of a tree, stuffed his arms in his t-shirt and stared out into the dark, clueless as to what to do next.
“Black Bears...Coyote...Gray Wolves...” Grim leaned back against the tree and shut his eyes. “Gray Wolves.” He drifted.

Now that I said that, I am going to dig into it a bit. Remember, don’t rewrite this, I am just pointing out things that I think you could watch out for down the line.
The sun went down. Dusk settled into the forest and it was suddenly much darker.
This is implied. We know the sun went down – do we need to know that dusk settled into the forest and that is much darker. You could have been just as effective and more efficient by saying something like “Dusk settled into the forest.” And leaving it at that.
Grim began to hear the familiar chorus of insects that beckoned evening in the country; they tuned their instruments all around him.
Awesome description – I love it when you find moments to slow down and describe this to the reader. You have a good idea in general of where to do this – keep it going, it is starting to come off as a style. Not a bad thing to define this early on 
What did they say about moss on the trees? Grim couldn’t spot any moss anyway.
Nice sentence but it swaps POV. It’s a subtle thing here but in the first sentence you almost slip into 2nd person narrative. If this was in the quotes or implied more as Grim’s thoughts it would work, the way you have it now it seems like an error. I love the concept in these two sentences however.
Grim stopped. This wasn’t productive anymore. The mosquitoes were eating him alive and he had no concept of which way to proceed.
Same POV problem in this. Grim stopped (3rd person singular or omni hard to tell without context). This wasn’t productive anymore (almost 2nd person again – not entirely sure though – seems like running thought inside Grim’s head again). The mosquitoes… (back to 3rd person omni again).
This is subtle stuff, like I said, but turning into a small pattern. Once you decide how you want to handle this you will be fine. McCarty does this all the time and it is like poetry – he slips from internal dialog to external dialog without missing a beat. He also chooses not to use “quotation marks” which is confusing at first but eventually it lends itself to the flow of his work. It might be worth reading a bit of his work – it is very different in genre to yours but he does a great job of dealing with similar issues. If you read any of it read The Road. The last 5 pages will make you cry – it is probably one of my 10 ten books of all time.
Lastly – I love this line. It is my favorite thing you have written to date.
“Black Bears...Coyote...Gray Wolves...” Grim leaned back against the tree and shut his eyes. “Gray Wolves.” He drifted.
So efficient in its delivery and yet it paints a very visual picture.

Can’t wait to read more.
dust

One fo the best ways to keep your reader invested ...

2009-05-28T11:32:36.159-07:00

One fo the best ways to keep your reader invested is to put your protagonist into conflicting situations. You did a great job by placing Grim and Lyle in the bar. Also, you tricked me (always good) by lulling me into the story while he was trying to learn to drive and mentioning that he was hungry first and that he needed gas later. This is an effective use of plot planting because as soon as he broke out of the bar I my first thought was – oh crap – he is almost out of gas. He’s going to lose the truck.
I love that he tried to act old – this actually says a lot about Grim. I am a big fan of revealing the details of a character in the first few chapters slowly – it is a great way to establish the book. Eventually the reader will know everything about the character and be able to recognize what a break in character might be. Early on this isn’t the case. It is like a courtship and you should use it that way. The great thing, is that now we know that Grim is brave enough to try to sneak into places he is unwelcome and he is also foolish enough to think that he can get away with it. Or maybe he has learned his lesson, but my early impression is that he hasn’t.
- breaking this up into two posts. i hit my limit.

That is an excellent idea - I am going to try this...

2009-05-27T10:51:21.336-07:00

That is an excellent idea - I am going to try this with my mystery novel-in-progress. Thanks!

Wow Dustin. Thanks so much for the words of encour...

2009-05-27T08:02:01.163-07:00

Wow Dustin. Thanks so much for the words of encouragement. This is great stuff, very helpful. I will do my best not to go back and revise yet. Chapter 2 is nearly finished now and your suggestions are bouncing around in my head waiting to be used there. I can't wait.

Way to go Ryan. Chapter 1 is a cause for much-o ce...

2009-05-26T22:22:02.140-07:00

Way to go Ryan. Chapter 1 is a cause for much-o celebration-o. I have written a bunch of them, I should know. Being that I have written considerably more chapter 1s than Chapter 2s I am going to give you the best advice I can give. Don't solicit any advice on Chapter 1. Okay, solicit only happy, encouraging comments on Chapter 1. I am serious. There is nothing more harmful than someone pointing out what is wrong with your work before you even get a chance to get rolling. The most critical thing that you can do now is to keep moving on. Don’t fix anything – that’s an order.
I do have some comments though. I will share more with you after you hit chapter 3 and I have a better idea of context, writing style and motivation in your book. But for now let me say –
Good: - I like Grim. He is compelling. He reminds me of me when I was a kid (aside from the dick for a step dad thing). He has good complex potential and that is always good.
You tend to write detail in a very believable manner. I think the word I am looking for is verisimilitude but I might have spelt that wrong. I would suggest looking for areas to do this more – the spot where he looks at his reflection in the water then turns over and looks up at the sun crackling through the pine canopy is a good example of where this works well for you. Seek those opportunities out. If you don’t want write them all in at once, make a comment in word to go back and consider them later – inside the principals office might be one of those areas where you could do this.
Also, on the reflection moment – what a fantastic way to describe your character. So much more interesting than just telling the reader what he looks like. Your 3rd person omni POV allows you to get away with just telling us but you showed us – awesome technique. Another place I think you could use the same technique (on your rewrite after you finish your entire book – I can go into why this is particularly important later) is when you mention how bright he is. This sentence “The truth was, Abraham Evans was a really bright kid.” Is pallid in comparison to the way you describe him later, reads and understands the books his teacher gives him etc… I think you could cut the sentence and we would still get that he is bright – why tell us, you just showed us.
You also did a nice job wrapping up your chapter. Him opting to leave the photo of his dad instead of writing the note was a nice touch.
Silly note – would a kid like Grim grab toothpaste and deodorant? He strikes me as the type that wouldn’t bother with that. I don’t really know him yet though so I am a bad judge but for some reason that sentence stood out to me as out of character.
Thanks for sharing and keep on going.
Back to my book.

Ryan, This is the first post I read and I'm in. ...

2009-05-24T13:46:28.671-07:00

Ryan,

This is the first post I read and I'm in. I started thumbing around at later posts and then decided I needed a bit of background so I picked this one at random. I am also a sucker for post-appoc stuff too so it really worked for me.

Freedom and Clarissa are both interesting. Both of them seem brave and young and their unsatisfied angst comes through clearly. Your writing style is economic and well paced. What are you waiting for? Come on - get this rolling!

Really great stuff. I will keep reading :)

Those hamsters and prayers are my way of saying, "...

2009-05-22T14:09:09.724-07:00

Those hamsters and prayers are my way of saying, "Hi! Be good to each other! Wish I could hug you in person! Hug the rodents instead!"