Comments on Finding Wayside - A Writing Experiment: Manuscript: Chapter 3

Interesting that you pointed out that Osborne's di...

2009-06-02T11:03:43.084-07:00

Interesting that you pointed out that Osborne's dialog doesn't sound English. You're right, and I'm facing an interesting struggle when dealing with my "Babel" language, which you will learn more about in the next chapter. Since it's a universal language, technically everyone would speak the same, but that's damned boring, so I think I'm going to bend reality and still give everyone their own unique feel.

Great observation on the double adjectives. It's especially bad in that one paragraph you pointed out. When I get the hacksaw out I'll be sure to address this.

Thanks for the comments!

part 2. i keep hitting the word limit - guess i am...

2009-06-01T21:51:49.884-07:00

part 2. i keep hitting the word limit - guess i am too wordy.

A bit of personal opinion here but I am sharing it none-the-less.
There, in the middle of the vast gray nothing was a shining pool of water.
We know it is vast because it is nothing. We also know that it is a shining pool. Shining pool is almost a cliché – find a more descriptive adjective or remove it.
You also tend to double up on your adjectives.
It was surrounded by soft green grass and tall brown cattails which swayed in an unfelt breeze. There was a woman there. She was dressed in a light white gown and she had long, wet hair that she combed gently with a shimmering pearl comb. She looked as if she had just come out of the water.
This many instances in this paragraph does point out a trend. Be careful with these. My personal favorite adjective in this paragraph is “unfelt”. What a unique way to describe a breeze. You can really strengthen this paragraph by giving all the other adjectives a similar treatment (on your later rewrite that is ).
“You’re not cold? You’re soaked.” – this seems a bit awkward.
I like how you change the dialect for Lyudmila. Losing the contractions is a subtle but effective choise. Good job.
Lyudmila raged in the middle of the pool, her face a rictus of anger and frustration – nice.
“The hell are you smiling for? You could have killed me! – you’ve done this a couple of times where you leave off the beginnings or ends of dialog. Is your intention here? Are you doing that for? The reason I put it that way is because that is exactly what I had to do – I had to reread that sentence to figure it out. I am a fast reader so I hate being tripped. Just something to think about.
Lieutenant Colonel Charles Osborne is a great name. His dialog doesn’t seem very English yet though. I am sure you will work on that.

Ok – back to writing – I promise to read C4 tomorrow. All in all – great stuff. I would love to talk to you about it tomorrow.

dust

Ok – your writing in general is improving. If you...

2009-06-01T21:51:19.593-07:00

Ok – your writing in general is improving. If you don’t believe me go back and re-read your first chapter. Remember when I said I wouldn’t critique structure and writing style for a few chapters- this is a big reason why. Beware, however, it is coming .
Why the italics? Just curious. It isn’t necessary IMHO.
Grim woke once again and was once again resting with his back on the tree.
You said once again – once again. We know that it is once again – you can make this sentence more efficient and clear by saying something like “Grim woke with his back on the tree.”
Ok – strange thing here. What does it smell like? he turns and sees the nothingness and you go into all kinds of visual detail, enough that I want to know more. Do the smells, sound and touch (wind, temperature etc..) stay the same or do they change too. Adding these details in can really help make fantasy seem real – verisimilitude and all that jazz.
Kill your ‘ing’s with reckless abandon. It is good to get in this habit because it adds action to your writing. You are generally very good at this but they do pop up in simple sentences from time to time. “It was also getting cold” would be more effective if you explained how cold Grim was. “The cold chewed through Grim’s thin summer clothing.” Or whatever…
another instance. making his head ring like a church bell. Lose the making and this does the same thing but it makes it more direct.