Once again I am staggered by your detailed comment...

2009-05-28T13:32:45.630-07:00

Once again I am staggered by your detailed commentary, Dustin. Thank you so much. Pointing out my breaking of the 3rd person is going to help me a lot. I should watch that. It's definitely jarring. I noticed the disconnect when I read the chapter out loud, but of course I ignored it because I thought I was being clever. Thanks for catching me.

And the dusk thing is coming out tonight, regardless of your suggestion not to rewrite it. I almost laughed at how obvious that was when you pointed it out.

This is my favorite section. The sun went ...

2009-05-28T11:32:45.191-07:00

This is my favorite section.
The sun went down. Dusk settled into the forest and it was suddenly much darker. Grim began to hear the familiar chorus of insects that beckoned evening in the country; they tuned their instruments all around him. To keep his mind busy, he tried to remember all of the animals that were native to this part of the state, tried to remember what they sounded like, what they looked like.
“Possoms...Armadillos...” He trudged on, but he was suddenly unsure whether he was headed east or not. What did they say about moss on the trees? Grim couldn’t spot any moss anyway.
“Marsh Rabbits...Gray Squirrels...” Branches snapped beneath him, and he tripped around in the dark, now that he could no longer make out the roots of the trees that reached out from the leaf-covered soil. “Red Fox...Weasels...”
Grim stopped. This wasn’t productive anymore. The mosquitoes were eating him alive and he had no concept of which way to proceed. He sat at the base of a tree, stuffed his arms in his t-shirt and stared out into the dark, clueless as to what to do next.
“Black Bears...Coyote...Gray Wolves...” Grim leaned back against the tree and shut his eyes. “Gray Wolves.” He drifted.

Now that I said that, I am going to dig into it a bit. Remember, don’t rewrite this, I am just pointing out things that I think you could watch out for down the line.
The sun went down. Dusk settled into the forest and it was suddenly much darker.
This is implied. We know the sun went down – do we need to know that dusk settled into the forest and that is much darker. You could have been just as effective and more efficient by saying something like “Dusk settled into the forest.” And leaving it at that.
Grim began to hear the familiar chorus of insects that beckoned evening in the country; they tuned their instruments all around him.
Awesome description – I love it when you find moments to slow down and describe this to the reader. You have a good idea in general of where to do this – keep it going, it is starting to come off as a style. Not a bad thing to define this early on 
What did they say about moss on the trees? Grim couldn’t spot any moss anyway.
Nice sentence but it swaps POV. It’s a subtle thing here but in the first sentence you almost slip into 2nd person narrative. If this was in the quotes or implied more as Grim’s thoughts it would work, the way you have it now it seems like an error. I love the concept in these two sentences however.
Grim stopped. This wasn’t productive anymore. The mosquitoes were eating him alive and he had no concept of which way to proceed.
Same POV problem in this. Grim stopped (3rd person singular or omni hard to tell without context). This wasn’t productive anymore (almost 2nd person again – not entirely sure though – seems like running thought inside Grim’s head again). The mosquitoes… (back to 3rd person omni again).
This is subtle stuff, like I said, but turning into a small pattern. Once you decide how you want to handle this you will be fine. McCarty does this all the time and it is like poetry – he slips from internal dialog to external dialog without missing a beat. He also chooses not to use “quotation marks” which is confusing at first but eventually it lends itself to the flow of his work. It might be worth reading a bit of his work – it is very different in genre to yours but he does a great job of dealing with similar issues. If you read any of it read The Road. The last 5 pages will make you cry – it is probably one of my 10 ten books of all time.
Lastly – I love this line. It is my favorite thing you have written to date.
“Black Bears...Coyote...Gray Wolves...” Grim leaned back against the tree and shut his eyes. “Gray Wolves.” He drifted.
So efficient in its delivery and yet it paints a very visual picture.

Can’t wait to read more.
dust

One fo the best ways to keep your reader invested ...

2009-05-28T11:32:36.159-07:00

One fo the best ways to keep your reader invested is to put your protagonist into conflicting situations. You did a great job by placing Grim and Lyle in the bar. Also, you tricked me (always good) by lulling me into the story while he was trying to learn to drive and mentioning that he was hungry first and that he needed gas later. This is an effective use of plot planting because as soon as he broke out of the bar I my first thought was – oh crap – he is almost out of gas. He’s going to lose the truck.
I love that he tried to act old – this actually says a lot about Grim. I am a big fan of revealing the details of a character in the first few chapters slowly – it is a great way to establish the book. Eventually the reader will know everything about the character and be able to recognize what a break in character might be. Early on this isn’t the case. It is like a courtship and you should use it that way. The great thing, is that now we know that Grim is brave enough to try to sneak into places he is unwelcome and he is also foolish enough to think that he can get away with it. Or maybe he has learned his lesson, but my early impression is that he hasn’t.
- breaking this up into two posts. i hit my limit.

Comments on Finding Wayside - A Writing Experiment: Manuscript: Wayside - Chapter 2, First Draft

Once again I am staggered by your detailed comment...

This is my favorite section. The sun went ...

One fo the best ways to keep your reader invested ...